PAPA WAS NOT A ROLLING STONE [PART 1]

Your heart is screaming out loud, dyeing your soul with painful colors. Your mind is a mess, doesn’t care about anything else. All you can think about is her. She doesn’t answer. She doesn’t answer, and it’s killing you. You worry way too much about her, you know that. Don’t give a fuck. Your mind whispers horrors that you can’t ignore. Want to hold her. Desperately. Want her to be safe and sound. She’s just a kid. Doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. You take a feverish draft of tobacco, trying to stop your hands from shaking. But you can’t stop your legs from running. They’re almost flying, going through the shadows of the city. The lights are slowly dying, leaving the demons of your heart take a new breath.

You take a look around you, full of hope. In vain. Climb four-four the steps which lead you to her apartment. Hesitate. A moment only. Knock at her door. Shortness of breath, you open your ears. Somebody comes to you. You straighten out. Anxious. The door open quietly. Your heart jump inside your breast as you notice the fair mane. But the hint of your smiled disappears. It isn’t her. Candice raises her eyes to yours. “ Is she there ? ” you whispers. She slowly shakes her head. You violently bite your lips. Shattered.

You dance on your own. Don’t care about anything else. The place’s as empty as your heart. You dance. Feel like falling. She disappeared a while ago. You didn’t worry at first. The apartment was peaceful, and you needed this. You didn’t expect to miss her. But you do. You deeply do. She caught your soul and broke it when she left. She took everything. Everything but your memories. That’s what you thought. But even they are leaving you for a better place. You hope she’s safe and sound. Are too afraid to check it. So you live like a ghost, wondering how she is. Where she is. Where they are. Sigh.

Someone knocks at the door. You turn around quickly. Full of hope. Smell the air. Disappointed. It’s not her. But you know this odor. Your hand closes on the handle. Hesitate. You’re a little bit scared. Scared of what you’ll have to say. Scared of what you’ll have to do. In spite of you, your hand turns the handle. Your head passes by the chink of the door. You bite your lips. He looks so broke… You sigh. Completely open the door. You walk to the kitchen to make some tea. Your legs are shaking, but you act like you don’t notice. « I thought she was with you. The baby ? »

She left the door open. You don’t know what to do. Raise your head to her question. Close briefly your eyes. Of course. She took the baby with her. Your sadly smile echos your heart. You make some step inside the tiny apartment. The first time you saw it, you thought it was lovely. Now, you feel like walls tighten on you. You take a deep breath. Slowly walk to the couch and let yourself fall. Candice puts the cups on the table. She seems to understand. Sigh.

You make him a sympathetic grimace. Know what he feels. The first time you saw them, you thought they were lovers. That he was a rich man who put a teen pregnant and wanted to hide her. Then you realised. The way he looked at her, like she was the most marvellous thing in the world. Like she could break in a breath. He looked at her the way your father never looked at you. And it stabbed your heart. Multiple times. And somehow, you want him to look at you this way. You want someone to look at you this way. Like you mean the entire world. You sit on the couch. Put your head on his chest.

You frown. Surprised. Maybe she’s not as tough as she pretends. You smile, fond. Cross your hand in her hair, staring into space. Guess it’s your job. Worry about the kids as they’re living on their own. You take a cigarette in your pocket. You feel the blonde wag inside your arms. Keep your head down. Look at her disgusted pout. You tidy up the tobacco with a sorry smile. « Did she left something ? A dress, a paper. Anything. »

You look at him. Think a moment. Hesitate. It may be nothing. But you can’t stop wondering, what if ? You sigh. Slowly get up and walk to your desk. You can feel his eyes rivets on your back. Smell his hope. You frisk among the multitude of papers. Feel the cardboard under your fingers. You catch it, feverish. Like your life depended on it. Maybe hers does. You bring it to Alexander. « She left it on the fridge. I thought she wanted me to go, but the party was two years ago. » You sit again on the couch. Drink some tea. Let Alex’s feelings become yours.

You’re barely breathing. Your eyes are riveted onto the cardboard. « It’s the party where we first met, » you break in a breath. What is that supposed to mean. Does she want you to go again ? Is she there ? You look at Candice, overexcited.

You’re nodding your head. « I already went. Several times. There was no one. It smelt old wealth and piss, but there wasn’t her smell. » You see his smile fell. Feel discouraged. Then why is he staring at you like you’re an amazing idiot ?

She’s not there, huh ? Maybe if you go by yourself… Wait, what ? You stare at her, amazed. « You mean smell like a vampire or a werewolf ? » Like the hypersensitive sense of smell you used thanks to dogs when you were looking for someone ? That kind of smell ? Why the hell didn’t she tell you ?

You grumble. « A werewolf. I’m not one those blood sucker. » What is he looking for ? Does he want to use you like a dog or something ? « Aaaand, I’m not going to help you. Like, not at all. »

« What ? Why ? We could find her if you help me ! » you scream. But you can see in her eyes that she won’t change her mind. You don’t understand. You don’t want to understand. « Wasn’t she your friend ? Don’t you want to help her ? » Your eyes are shining as the sky darken.

Sigh. Let yourself fall on the couch. Was she ? You never thought about it. And maybe it’s too late for that. « Well, I searched her okay ? I searched her while you were God knows where. I searched her and I didn’t find her. And I don’t think she wants to be found. If she wants to disappear, fine. I’ll leave her in peace. » You raise a proud chin in his direction.

« Then what am I supposed to do ? » you scream. « I want to find her. I want to know if she’s alright. I want to see her baby grow. I want to see them live ? It’s really so bad ? » You don’t even know why you’re looking for this girl’s approbation. Your desperate eyes stares at her, and you know she’s right, but so do you.

« And where were you when they were here ? You never came, did you ? » you scream. Well, maybe he did a few times. But most of the time, she was there alone with the baby, doing God knows what. « And yes, it’s fucking bad, because you’re only thinking about you. What if she doesn’t want to be found ? What if she’s better now ? » Why is he so selfish ? Is it so hard to see ? She doesn’t want to be here. Be with them. That’s all.

You stare at her, broke. You lost your girl again. She’s outside, somewhere. Maybe in danger. « But what if she’s not ? » you murmur with a trembling voice. What if she’s been kidnapped ? What if ? That’s an eventuality you can’t just ignore. But the worse… What if she hates you ? What if she doesn’t want to see you again ? You slowly sit on the couch. Desperate.

You can smell his despair. It stinks the whole room. What if. Your head is full of what if. Your life is full of what if. There’s some things that you’ll never know, you get it. Don’t want to try anymore. « You just have to move on. » Easy to say, huh ? Move on. You never really forgot. Nor forgive. And still want to understand. But it’s too late now. And maybe they wouldn’t have said anything. Maybe it would have been worse. Maybe.

Move on, huh ? So she’s asking you to forget her ? To let her go ? Let her disappear like nothing happened ? You can’t. You’d like to, but you simply can’t erase the past. You look a moment her face. She seems broken. Fine. You’ll be the father again. You get closer. Hug her. « Here sweetie, here. You didn’t move on, did you ? »

What the… Oh, come on, why does it turn this way ? You get slowly loose from his arms. He’s not here for you, and you don’t want him to hug you like a baby. You’re a grown up. Don’t need this. « I’m fine. I’m perfectly fine, » you drop curtly.

You make an unconvinced pout. You don’t believe her, but if she wants to, you’ll let her. After all, she didn’t ask you to be her father. She just… seemed really lonely and in lack of love. « Alright. » And she wants you to move on, huh ? Well, you have your own way to do that. « I need to see her. I need to know she’s okay. That’s how I do, and if you don’t want to help me, fine. I’ll find another way. »

He doesn’t seem to believe you, but it’s alright. You just don’t want him to involve in your life. He begins to seriously irritate you. When will he realise that she dumped him ? In a daughter way, but still. You sigh. Pretty sure that he’ll still anoy you with her if you don’t help him. Or maybe you’re just to shy to admit you want to search her too. « FINE. I’ll help. But not tonight. »

You smile. « Why not ? » But you both now that you won’t insist. She said yes, that’s enough. She seems to really care about her, and that makes you happy. Maybe your lovely girl was better there than in her big castle. The princess finally escape, for better or for worse. And now she’s in another castle. You sigh. Close your eyes.

« Hey, don’t sleep on my couch, » you grumble. In fact, it doesn’t really bother you, but you don’t feel like sleeping. Your mind is a mess, and so is your heart. You still don’t agree with what he says, but if he needs that to move on, well.

« I can’t anyway. I’m way too excited, » you answer with a smile. Your eyes are still closed, but you know exactly where she is. Her head moved a little, just near your shoulder. You hesitate a second. Should you… ? Oh crap. If she doesn’t want to, she’ll tell you. You let yours slowly go down to rest on hers. « Well, I think we’re going to stay awake a bit so… Want to talk ? »

You let his head touch yours. Frown. « Talk about what ? » What the hell is he thinking about ? Does he really believe that you’re going to talk like buddies at a pajama party ? Seriously ? You raise your eyes to heaven. Sigh. « You go first. »

« All riiight. » There’s so many things you could talk about. It’s been almost two years that you didn’t really confess to someone. It pressed on your soul. Maybe you’ll annoy her. But you don’t mind. You know she’ll tell you anyway. Well, first of all, do you know why i’m stuck here ? »

» PAPA WAS NOT A ROLLING STONE [PART 2]
» Stone and Blood
» Papa Noël
» Stone memories
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